What does it feel like to die?

As Austin and I drove home from school today, I asked him about his day. We talked briefly about his friends, the playground, the sand in his shoes, and the spring program scheduled for this evening.

After some quiet moments, Austin asked me a question. "Mom." He said, "What does it feel like to die?"

I paused.

We talk openly about life with Austin. We talk openly about death. We pray nightly for his grandpa who is fighting a very difficult journey with multiple myeloma. I want Austin to always feel comfortable asking us about anything, so I answered as honestly as I could.

"What does it feel like to die?"

"I don't know, Austin." I began. "I don't know what it feels like to die... I think that it probably hurts for just a second and then you don't feel any more pain. I believe in heaven, Austin. So, even if death hurts for just a moment, you will never feel pain again and you will be so happy."

Austin sat quietly in the backseat for a long time.

I wondered if I had said too much.

I wondered if I should have eliminated the word pain from my explanation.

I wondered why he was asking me about death.


"Mom, I don't think death is like that." He began slowly.

"I think that death is more like jumping off a diving board...

You are so scared...

and you don't want to do it...

but once it's over, then you are just so happy,

and you realize that you had nothing to be scared of in the first place."



and then we both just rode in silence.



"What do you think, mom?" Austin asked.

"Do you think that's what it feels like to die?"


I don't know sweet boy, but I do know what it feels like to receive the wisdom of God through my four-year-old son...

to LIVE...

In January, many of my friends (and fellow bloggers) chose a word to live by in 2011.
A single word.
A word that they wanted to strive for, to uphold, to motivate them throughout the upcoming year.
I never wrote about it, but I chose a word as well: LIVE.

I want to LIVE in 2011. As my dad's illness continues to progress, I struggle with the realization that life is truly but a breath. I don't want to take a single moment for granted and I want to enjoy life. I want to live in 2011.

As a new life grows inside of me during this time, I realize that I am surrounded by newness in this life. New restoration in my marriage. New hope for the days to come. New life.

And for a girl like myself, a rule follower to every degree... living can become the challenge. I have lived my first 33 years trying to make sure that everything was done correctly. Always earning the A in the class. Always considering the ramifications of my actions. Always trying to follow the rules... in the hopes that life would be fair in return. Within the rule follower, I have discovered that there is the unspoken thought, "If I play by the rules, then life will be safe. If I obey, then I will not get hurt."

I have played by the rules, and life has not been safe. Life has been scary - actually horrifying at moments. I played by the rules, and I have still faced infidelity, loss of income, loss of home, and dad's horrible illness. Yet, I have also found that playing by the rules prepared me, discipled me, convicted me during every terrifying moment. So, my goal is not to stop playing by the rules. My dream is to LIVE life to the full within those very rules. Within the context of striving to be sanctified (to be a Godly woman) is it possible to just sit back and enjoy every moment... not fearing what tomorrow may bring?

And so, I haven't written a lot since January. I haven't written, but oh, how I have been living. Soaking in a warm bed on a Saturday morning, traveling with dear friends for a weekend of skiing, laying still with my hands on my belly and enjoying every kick from our growing baby. Laughing out loud at my four-year-old's jokes. Enjoying every second of James and Austin wrestling together at night. Praising God for the coziness of our tiny apartment. Trying to take any moment to visit my parents out of town and enjoying them while I am there. Eating a huge piece of dad's birthday cake because I am just so thankful for the celebration of his 60 years. Dressing like a pirate because that is just the thing to do when you are a four year old boy... living my life.

For He (Jesus) came that I would have LIFE and LIVE it to the full.

And so I look for the balance in 2011... but mostly importantly, I have made my choice: to live.


Just some of the living that we have been doing lately:



I am so in love with this man!





The whole family just sitting and laughing and enjoying Dad's 60th birthday!



Eating cake!



Going to pirate birthday parties!

It's a...

Boy!!!!

Today was our 20 week ob appointment, and we found out that we are having another boy! We are beyond thrilled (although I might have secretly had hopes for hair bows and smocked dresses). Once we heard the news, however (and saw that precious baby on the screen), there was absolutely no disappointment. A BOY! A BROTHER FOR AUSTIN!

After my appointment, I went back to school to pick up Austin and tell him our good news. "Austin," I said. "Mommy just had a doctor's appointment, and we saw your baby on a computer screen. Guess what? It is a BOY!"

Austin just stared at me. "Mom," he finally said. "I told you all along that it was going to be a boy." He was so determined... so insistent this entire time that he was going to have a little brother. I am actually glad that it is a boy because I don't think he would have believed anything else.

On the way home, he called his Granny to tell her that he was going to have a brother. After their brief conversation, he started to tell me all the things he wanted to teach his little brother. "I will teach him how to fly a kite. I will teach him how to play Mario Kart on the Wii..." Finally, Austin looked up at me and said. "Mom, you teach him how to walk and talk and I'll teach him the rest. How does that sound?"

That sounds just about right, sweet boy. Just about right.

Now that my mind is officially switched to blue, I am researching cribbing, nursery ideas, and names for our precious little boy. Some of you may or may not know that when we told Austin we were expecting (in September!) he told us that it was going to be a boy and we were supposed to name him Ryan. (Ryan is his best friend at school). He might have been right about the gender, but the verdict is still out about the name!

I have so many thoughts about having another son! I love my relationship with Austin and love the way that he loves his mommy. Just tonight at dinner Austin asked me what I wanted for my next birthday. (My birthday isn't until November!)

"Just hugs and kisses from you!" I told my pre-birthday planning son.

"Oh, mom. Those you can have any day for free. I am going to give you a huge bouquet of flowers and definitely a new sewing machine."

I have no idea why I am getting a new sewing machine, but he is determined...

and he is normally right.

Enjoying Every Moment

On New Year's Eve, we woke up late and then went over to the Q's house to meet up with James' family. We had decided to spend our day shopping, and it was soon determined that we would head to Micanopy for lunch and antiques.



Micanopy is a quiet little town known for its antique shopping and its debut in the movie "Doc Hollywood."


Our little family spent more time taking pictures than shopping, but I had a wonderful day with my boys (and in-laws)!







We had the best time just swinging our feet, soaking in the sunshine, and enjoying the days together before we all head back to work.

He Makes All Things New!

A New Year! Whoo Hooo!!! I am just a little bit excited about saying goodbye to 2010 and hello to a brand new year. I love a fresh start, a clean page, a new beginning. 2010 was quite a year for our family. Once again, I am thankful that I didn’t know everything that would happen and I am so thankful that God’s mercies are new every morning.

I just started to write a review of 2010 and all that happened from January – December… but then I decided that I am just ready to start new… to focus on the things that are to come…

So, 2011, we are so thankful that you are here.



I am still working on my list of resolutions. I LOVE resolutions. I love lists. I love goals. I hope that you will see some evidence of the fulfillment of my resolutions as I blog more faithfully in 2011! I want Austin to have a recorded history of his life, and this is the reason I started blogging. I want him to know what our life was like as a small child.

So... here's to new goals, new blogging, a new BABY, new ideas, and new dreams. Welcome 2011!

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas from our family!



Love,

James, Emily, Austin, and Baby Q

Thanksgiving

This is my family!



This picture was taken yesterday on my 33rd birthday, and I think that it is my new favorite family picture! It is low key... it is sincere...James' starbucks is sitting on the side. We are taking things easy right now and just enjoying the simplest pleasures in life.

I am craving the simplicity. I want to just sit and put my feet up rather than wait in the crowds that surround me. (If you look in the background, you will notice a line gathering for our local craft fair). I decided not to stand in line this year - but just went and sat on the wall watching others file in. I figured that the craft fair would still be happening by the time I got off the bench! (I must admit that I also needed to sit after spending two days in bed from a vicious stomach bug).

I woke up on Thanksgiving morning (early at 3 am!) with a stomach virus. I can honestly tell you that I remember very little about Thanksgiving day other than my sister occasionally walking into the bedroom to check on me. We had planned a quiet sibling dinner this year. Mom and Dad are still in Minnesota for dad's new treatment, but Jenny and I wanted to still have mom's traditional dinner. We stayed at mom and dad's house, used her recipes, and planned for a little meal...

Then, our dear friends donated a 25 pound turkey to our family... and our small meal for four became a massive feast of turkey. Fortunately, James stepped up for turkey detail and from what I hear, it was a delicious bird.

Thank you to Jenny, David, and James for not only watching all the kids, but also fixing all the meal. My favorite part of the day, however, had to be waking up in bed in the middle of the afternoon to the sounds of splashing and delight coming from the backyard.

Later when Jenny came into the room, I asked, "Did the boys go swimming today????"

"Oh, yes!"

There is absolutely nothing better than Thanksgiving in Florida- even if you are stuck in bed :)